Welcome, truth-seeker. You’re here because you want a t-shirt that says “Space is fake” or “My Other Car Is a Black Helicopter.” We respect your curiosity – and your privacy. Here’s the deal, we’re reading you in.
1. What Information We Collect (And What We Tell the Lizard People)
We collect the usual stuff so we can print shirts and ship them to your bunker:
Name & Address – So your “I ❤️ Fluoride” shirt doesn’t end up at a vacant lot.
Email – For order updates and the occasional encrypted link to an EMERGENCY PODCAST.
Payment Info – Processed by third parties because we don’t trust ourselves with your credit card. (We’re paranoid, not stupid.)
IP Address & Browser Data – So we can see if you’re on the level and don’t frequent misinformation sites that end in .gov .edu and .org
T-Shirt Size – We promise not to profile you based on whether you’re a 2XL or an XS. But the algorithm plugged into our army of connected mouse brains knows.
We do not collect your dental records, hair follicles, or the name of your first pet. Unless you tell us in a customer service email.
2. How We Use Your Data (Mostly for Good, Occasionally to help save the fate of the world)
We use your info to:
Print and ship your sweet, subversive tees.
Send you order confirmations that don’t mention Project MKUltra.
Email you about sales, new designs (like: I survived a mass shooting and all I got was this lousy T-shirt and my crisis actor pay), and the occasional reminder that the moon landing was filmed in a warehouse in Burbank.
Improve our site – which currently runs on coffee, and a 2008 server in our mom’s basement.
We will not sell your data to the government. We will also not sell it to Big T-Shirt. We will, however, trade it for a nice juicy and delicious steak, even if it doesn’t exist.
3. Cookies? More Like COOKIE-ENCE (🍪👁️)
Yes, we use cookies. Not the delicious kind – the little text files that live in your browser.
Essential Cookies – Keep our site from crashing like a UFO over Roswell.
Analytics Cookies – Tell us how many people stare at our “COVID Was an Inside Jab” hoodie before clicking away.
Tracking Pixels – Because we believe in pixies and so should you.
You can disable cookies in your browser, but then the site might work like a government alien disclosure committee – slow and pointless.
4. Third Parties We Share Data With (There’s always a third man. Amirite?)
We use trusted third-party services to run this bazaar:
Print-on-demand providers – They get your address so they can ship your shirt. They also get a blurry photo of your house from Google Maps because “quality assurance.”
Payment processors (Stripe, PayPal, etc.) – They handle the money. We never see your full card number, which is good because we’d probably try to buy a used satellite dish to prove satellites are fake.
Email service – They store your email address and occasionally judge us for our subject lines.
We do not share your data with the FBI, the CIA, the FCC, the MTA, or the Canadian Dairy Cartel. If they ask nicely, (or hang us out a window) we might give them a fake address in Wyoming.
5. Your Rights (Yes, those are inalienable as a sovereign being.)
Depending on where you live (Earth, mostly), you may have the right to:
Access – See what data we have on you. (Spoiler: it’s mostly your t-shirt size and the fact you bought a shirt that says “No Aliens are Illegal … no matter how many tentacles they have.”)
Correct – Fix any mistakes, like if we thought your name was “JJ” but it’s actually “JJ a third silent J.”
Delete – Ask us to erase your data. We’ll do it, but we’ll also mutter something about “erasing history” like a dramatic documentary narrator.
Opt out of marketing – Click “unsubscribe” at the bottom of our emails. We’ll be sad, but we’ll get over it by staring at our Alex Jones shrine.
To exercise your rights, email us at info@justaskingthreads.com. Please include your order number and your preferred sign of the beast encryption code.
6. Data Security (Not the robot guy from Star Trek)
We protect your data with:
SSL encryption – So the guy in the van outside can’t read your info.
Passwords that aren’t “password” – Usually.
A physical guard dog – His name is Mr. Snuggles. He’s a chihuahua. He’s very mean.
That said, no system is 100% secure. If there’s a breach, we’ll notify you via carrier pigeon or smoke signal, whichever is faster.
7. Children’s Privacy (Under 13? Go Outside)
Our site is not intended for anyone under 13, unless they’re really into JFK assassination theories. We don’t knowingly collect data from kids. If you’re a parent and you find out your child bought a “I’m With Stupid (↑ The Government)” shirt, that’s on you, not us.
8. International Users (Hello, Flat-Earthers Worldwide)
If you’re in the EU, UK, or anywhere with strict privacy laws (we see you, California), we comply with GDPR and CCPA as best we can while also maintaining our right to be a little weird. You have the right to data portability, which means we’ll send you a CSV file of your info attached to a meme of your choice.
9. Changes to This Policy (We’re as Unpredictable as the Weather Channel)
We may update this policy occasionally – when the moon is in retrograde, when Mercury is in Gatorade, or when we remember we haven’t updated it in a year. The latest version will always be posted here. If we make major changes, we’ll send a mass email with the subject line: “THEY DON’T WANT YOU TO READ THIS.”
10. Contact Us (If You Dare)
Got questions? Think we’re secretly harvesting your dreams for ad revenue? Make contact!
Email: info@justaskingthreads.com
Snail Mail: Just Asking Threads, 123 Underground Bunker Lane, Roswell, NM 88201
Psychic Hotline: Yell your question into an empty mason jar. We will hear it.